It's been a while since I've been able to write about anything happening in my life. It's not that things haven't been happening - it's just that I didn't know how to deal with it or talk about it.
My husband and I are in marriage counseling. That's a hard thing to talk about. I get people out there telling me that it's okay to leave him. I get people out there who want to constantly judge him and make sure I remember what a terrible person he's been. I also get people who pray for us and want to help us make this better.
I like to surround myself with the people in the last category. While marriage counseling was looking hopeless for a while (too expensive), I once again reached out for help. It's really difficult to find help if you don't ask for it. My uncle knows a LOT of people and happens to know a couple from his old church who offers marriage counseling. We weren't sure if they would have the time to help us, but thankfully one of them did. We've been meeting every Tuesday evening for the past few weeks. And knowing our financial situation, he isn't even asking for money. He is helping us because that's what he loves to do. We've been reading the book "Love and Respect" along with working through our issues.
I admit I am really proud of my husband for trying to be a better man. There is a lot he has to deal with, but he is trying to make it better. That's all I can ask.
As for me, I've learned a lot about forgiveness. I'm not sure I've ever talked about forgiveness with anyone until last night. J asked me for my definition of forgiveness. I told him I couldn't really give an official definition, it's more of a process. I explained to him that I know what Jesus did for us a long time ago. He died on the cross for our sins. It wasn't just for MY sin... it was for everyone's sin. That includes my husband. That includes my family. That includes my friends. That even includes strangers. People make mistakes in their life. I certainly have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've learned from them - the biggest lesson being forgiveness. Who am I to say that Jesus died for my sins and that I am forgiven but think that others don't deserve the same forgiveness? Whatever bad things have happened, I forgive him because God did. He deserves that forgiveness as much as I do. I will not judge someone by their mistakes. I have done a lot of bad things in my life but I have grown up from those mistakes. I am not the same person I used to be. I trust God that my husband will not be the same person he used to be.
I believe God deals with each of us in a unique way. God is certainly dealing with my husband right now (and me too) and I am holding on to all of God's promises for us. I am exercising patience. I am exercising forgiveness. While there are still days I want to give up, I keep holding on.
by showing her were all the same.
have no envy
every day we try to find
we search our hearts and our minds
the place we used to call our home
cant be found when were alone"