mama believer

I've been toying around with an idea lately. It could be fantastic or it could be totally ridiculous and an instant invitation for the whole world to start laughing at me.

I recently took a trip to a favorite thrift store in search of a couple of summer dresses or skirts or even some good capri pants. I just need something other than jeans for this weekend at the lake. I mean, jeans are torture when it's 90 degrees outside and you're living outdoors for four days. Although I've had great luck when I'm not searching for anything specific (I probably could have found tons of great shirts and shoes that day), I hit a brick wall that day. Most of what I found that I liked was in the wrong size.

I got to looking a little closer at what was left on the rack that people weren't buying. Was it really all that bad? Probably. But it gave me a (hopefully) good idea. What about dressing like a dork for a year? What if I became the person who finally bought those clothes that no one else wanted?

I used to be a trendsetter when it came to clothing and hair. Since becoming a mom, I don't know where I stand with that, but I do know I've always had a style of my own that people really like. But what if this trendsetter started dressing in that stuff no one bought? Would it become a hit or would I have a tougher time making friends because everyone thinks I look ridiculous?

It's amazing how we judge each other so much on our appearance. We all know who we are is 99% on the inside. However, if you get a ketchup stain on your shirt at lunch, people won't see you the same as if you were completely clean. They (probably unknowing) start to judge you a little as someone who is clumsy or someone who loves to pig out on food and someone with no spare time and was in a rush. And while some of that may be true of you, it's not all that you are. Yet, who we are on the outside is so often what we're judged to be on the inside too.

So I'm not fully committing to this "dressing dorky for a year" project just yet. I need some time to think it over. Sure everyone says I'll be better off finding friends who will love who I am on the inside and who look past the outer appearance. But I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is to find a friend who has things in common with you when your outward appearances are nothing alike. Who is going to take the time to get to know me?

People judge.

This weekend Mr. Romance, the girls, and I participated in the March for Babies (supporting March of Dimes). Last year, I was the only person who walked. This year, I talked Mr. Romance into going with me. Of course, we couldn't leave the girls behind.

Both of my pregnancies resulted in early labor. My a miracle from God, our girls were still born healthy. We had a lot of developmental issues with them after they were born, but we were lucky to not spend even one day in the NICU.

Last year, I was fortunate to get to know this other mother online. Sadly, it was because her daughter had just passed away. They were huge supporters of March of Dimes. Due to her daughter being a preemie, she had a lot of health problems and that would eventually be too much for her little body to handle. She passed away last year. She was C's age.

I learned a lot about March of Dimes through this mother. There's currently an average of 500,000 babies born prematurely every single year. Someday, the March of Dimes is going to change this. The numbers have already started decreasing over the years, but we're all looking for that number to drop to zero. And I believe it will - someday.

Knowing everything that March of Dimes does, it has become a cause close to my heart. We were super lucky to have our babies turn out healthy. Other parents have sadly watched their babies pass away or struggle a lot harder than we have developmentally. Our struggles are nothing compared to what other parents deal with.

Still... when it comes time to March for Babies, I can't help reflecting on those moments of pregnancy that terrified me. We almost lost H. By some miracle, she was delivered minutes before she would have died in the womb. As for C, she was an even harder pregnancy that ultimately resulted in our decision to stop getting pregnant.

This was the first year that the girls participated in March for Babies. While C is still a little young to understand, I was surprised that H took such an interest in it this year. She translated it to mean that were there to walk for babies who are sick. When we got there, she asked me where the babies were. I pointed out the local ambassador baby for this year and we learned of his story. While I don't expect a 4 year old to understand things like this fully, she was proud to be there and make a difference.

I don't know when I will tell the girls about their own births and why this cause is so close to our hearts. I suppose the right moment will come.

One thing about me, I won't let anything get in the way of our goal here. We've had a lot of bad things happen that I could have let destroy the dream.

But I refused to let that happen. And I refuse to ever let that happen.

Right now I'm 31 years old and I'm living with my parents. It's not easy living with my parents - for either of us. I try to keep that in mind when I get annoyed by things. It's so easy to say "poor us" on bad days. But I can't imagine what it's like for my parents to never live alone.

Every parent thinks about that day - the day their children turn 18 and leave the house. No one ever really thinks about the day those children come back - especially when those children are 31 years old.

It's a tough dynamic.

Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. It's really hard to have a fight. It's really hard to be a frustrated parent. It's really hard to have a bad day. But it's harder to hear my parents gripe about things. And it's especially hard to not feel like a burden when they gripe about things. I also really hate it when they take out their frustration with Mr. Romance or my kids out on me.

I feel like I should always be thankful for what they do for us, but there are days that are really hard to be thankful. It's not that I won't always be thankful for giving us a roof over our head and food on the table. You have no idea how much I appreciate that. This is something I can probably never repay.

But there are days no one has anything nice to say. Those days are really hard to get through. Today was one of those days.