Filed Under :
Tuesday, May 18, 2010Today I decided to email my old therapist. I kind of miss her. While my appointments were to deal with events happening in my life at that time, I learned a whole lot about myself.
She wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. Let's face it, I didn't pay her enough to do that. But she told me what I had never heard before. She helped me figure out what kind of person I was. It was the person I knew I was. I've just never been able to get anyone else to see that person - till I met her. I thought for sure that the perception I had of myself was not real. Maybe it was the person I wanted to be and I simply wasn't that girl. But through the sessions with my therapist, I was able to realize that I was that girl. It was who I was surrounding myself with that made me stop believing I was that person.
I spent a lifetime excusing who I really was for the person everyone thought I was. That's not saying I have never had friends or that people have never made me happy or that there haven't been people I've loved being around. But I was always sorry that they were never be able to see the real me.
Everyone sees me as someone I'm not and I get tired of fighting to defend the person I am.
For my family, it was always seeing me as the person I used to be and never believing I had changed. They have a way of turning the scars of my past into fresh wounds. They include my past as a whole of who I am, instead of seeing my past as something that turned me into who I've become. Those are two separate things.
For friends, it was not being able to see that past and know exactly how it had changed me. The past was what I learned from. The past has everything to do with the decisions I make today. There is a strength there most will never see without knowing things I've been through.
I just want to be who I really am. I want the people I become friends with to know who I really am. I don't want to force friendships based on who I am not. It was exhausting. Saving old friendships would mean starting over - forgetting what they think they know about me.
For friends, it was not being able to see that past and know exactly how it had changed me. The past was what I learned from. The past has everything to do with the decisions I make today. There is a strength there most will never see without knowing things I've been through.
I just want to be who I really am. I want the people I become friends with to know who I really am. I don't want to force friendships based on who I am not. It was exhausting. Saving old friendships would mean starting over - forgetting what they think they know about me.
And I guess, unless someone has the time to sit and get to know me like my therapist did, no one will ever really get it. That's why I thought this blog would be a good idea. It will be that place of no excuses for who I am. It will be a place I can always be myself. For someone who would have the time to read all of this, you're that much closer to knowing the real me.
"When we all need time to let our memories go,
you've struggled with your past and dreams that aren't your soul."
you've struggled with your past and dreams that aren't your soul."
Stereo Fuse
0 comments:
Post a Comment