mama believer

One would think that after having my tubes tied over two years ago, that I would be used to the idea of not having any more babies. However, it's been a tough thing for me to deal with. I didn't tie my tubes because I didn't want to have any more babies. I got my tubes tied because I didn't want to get pregnant again only to lose that baby.

As I've mentioned before, both of my pregnancies resulted in early labor. With a doctor's suggestion and even a second opinion, we knew the risk of having another baby and having another early labor - even earlier than the first two - that would result in the baby dying. That's a pain I don't want to set myself up for, and I agreed to have my tubes tied to prevent that from happening.

All that being said, I wasn't ready to stop having babies. I wanted to have lots of babies. The babies we've had are incredibly beautiful. Mr. Romance and I were quick and easy when it came to getting pregnant. I just couldn't grow full-term babies. I don't regret getting my tubes tied. I just wish I could have had more babies. That's all.

While we are highly considering adoption in the near future, there is still that part of me that misses pregnancy.

Tonight, my mom asked me to pick up some baby shower gifts for a co-worker of hers who is having a little girl. Since hubs and I are raising 3 little girls, I thought I was perfect for this job. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Even though I haven't been pregnant in over two years, I haven't been around a lot of other babies or pregnant women. So when it came time to shop for a baby again, I found myself choking back tears and getting really emotional about it.

I think there is still some mourning to be done for the babies we'll never have. My heart has so much room from the love I had for even the idea of these babies. We'll never have these babies. I just don't think I ever dealt with that reality.

Sure, we'll probably adopt within the next couple of years. But I believe that will be a completely different experience. It's an experience that leaves you emotionally pregnant, rather than physically pregnant. I have wanted to adopt since before I ever became a mother. My heart has a great place reserved just for adopted children. It's a love no different than the love I have for the children I gave birth to. It's just a different experience.

I think I just needed to grieve a little for the ones we'll never know.